It's hard to explain the complex emotions that follow a break up. Feelings of sadness- of course, liberation, excitement, fear, anger, confusion, hope, reignited passion for self-development and maybe even a better love. Life P.B. is a whirlwind for sure. I will be walking down the street, swaying my hips like I own the world and suddenly a massive wave of emotion will practically knock me over. I will all of a sudden feel sad or disoriented. I think this is mostly because I am in the process of rediscovering how to live my daily life. Everything feels new. I've said this before but, because I have been in a relationship so long, the only real perception of the single life I have is from TV. And TV tells me that I should be walking around in sexy little outfits, acting sassy, dating all sorts of random people I encounter in the street, working for some women's magazine writing about relationships and spending tons of money I don't have one shoes. As far as I know, this IS the single life... I really won't be able to report back to you until later...
Speaking of mixed emotions, during a break-up, it seems like every F-ing song is speaking to you. Everything from the line in the Fray song "younger now than we were before" to "It's Raining Men" seems like it is supposed to be a reflection of what my life should be like or how I'm feeling. All sorts of songs sound different now. I found myself saying out loud in my car the other day, "Is every f-ing song about love!?!?" That is something I would have never noticed before this. Write about something else, people!
But let me ask you one thing... where did all of these FREAKS come from? When I was in a relationship, men would still ask me out occasionally but they were decent guys that seemed to have things going for them... now that I am single, I am finding myself in the middle of some twisted freak show where random men are licking their teeth at me at the gas station and practically eye-raping me near public restrooms... WTF!? I have to say that I am truly concerned about the state of men at the moment, but I guess it will take meeting a really good one to change my mind.
On a side note, I have always had really vivid dreams about things going on in my life, my fears, my worries, and occasionally something pleasent, but that is very rare. And, let me tell you, my fear of re-entering the dating scene had made itself known in my subconcious even deep into my REM cycle. I have to tell you about this one dream I had two nights ago...
So I had a dream I was running in a 5K with my manager, Missy, and met this guy who looks like a young "Andy" from "The Office". We had a great conversation and then he asked me to go with him for coffee. I told him that I needed to go home to change and I could take him and Missy back to my place while I got ready to go. He came up to my room and we started to make out when he pulled back and said the weirdest F-ing thing I've ever heard..."There are only two kinds of people in the world. The people who have sex with adults and the people who have sex with children". I immediately jumped back and said "what kind of sick thing is that to say!?!?! This is over- I am not going ANYWHERE with you!" He then stomped out of the room like I was the freak, and went to the basement.
I texted Missy something like "This guy is a freak. Let's just go drop him back at the race" and she never responded... I thought that was fishy, so I went down to the basement only to find that he had TIED HER UP and was going to KILL her!! I tried to run back up stairs when he grabbed my ankle and pulled my down. So... ok, this part is really strange, but if you had been to the self-defense course I had taken the week before you would know why this would have happened in my dream... so after he pulled me down the stairs I ripped his eyes out! Yes, people, I, Leighton, ripped a man's eyes out in my dream. Ha ha... wow... I think this dream accurately depicts my ridiculous fear of dating right now, and I actually am even laughing as I am typing it!
Ironically, one of my best friends dreamed the same night about the man I'm meant to be with and left me a message the next morning about it so I could keep my eyes open... BTW, if you meet any African men with thick accents getting their Masters in Social Work at GA State that love to dance and have impeccable style... that's him, I guess. Ask Erin.
Anyways, I am sure this phase of my life will be a very interesting one. One full of hilarious and crazy stories, amazing and horrifying life lessons, and maybe even some pure, unadultarated bliss. I have yet to have an official opinion of this new stage of my life, but I am sure that, if it is nothing else, it will be ...interesting.
1 comment:
#1- The men are freaks. I myself am celebrating 2 years of singledom this very weekend. I've dated on and... mostly off, but yes they are freaks.
#2- I realized this about songs long ago. Back when I was in the single digits I recall asking my mother as we drove around town listening to the radio, "Why do so many people write about love?" And yes, during my break up they were all about me as well. I was/ am still convinced that Brandi Carlile stalked my thoughts and turned them into CDs.
Any which way- I am here to say break ups suck and I hated when people said it was going to be ok and that everyone goes through them because I felt those comments did nothing but belittle my situation. So I will say nothing of the sort... merely allude to it and say- you do what you need to do, girl!
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