Hmm...

I am not sure about this new 2009 life of mine. Something just does not feel right. I am feeling a little too chained down and, I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I have what I like to call, an "utz". An "utz" is a lot like that feeling you get when you're riding a roller coaster, and after a big drop, you feel stomachless and eerily empty. It's a feeling of being out of control and, ultimately, just strange.

I normally feel exhilarated by new things. Newness normally fills me up, but now, I am drowning in newness and trying to surround myself with the comfort of the familiar. I am not quite sure what I would do without Darius right now. He is the only one who knows the scope of my dreams and what really makes me feel alive, and without him to guide me back to those feelings, I am sure I would have already lost my mind.

But, despite it all, I still feel like amazing things are going to happen for me this year. And those amazing things will feel even better coming after such a strange and uncomfortable time period.

So often, we all forget to take it all in. Normally, it's not until something is missing that we start to look harder at the world and notice the little things that feel good. When everything is perfect, I don't realize how good it feels to take a nice, long, deep, breath or how good it actually feels to laugh. So, for now, while I try to determine a cure for this 2009 "utz", I will remedy its symptoms with yoga, friends, and, most importantly, LOVE.

I have to remember how lucky I am to have this unrelenting, passionate, and EASY love in my life. Its always there. I don't have to question it, work for it, it never runs out, and, damnit, it's FREE. A to the MEN.