The Landmark Forum

I recently attended The Landmark Forum as a "right of passage" for work. My company believes in sending all employees taking on a management role to this three-day intensive self-improvement workshop in an effort to recognize and conquer any mental or emotional obstacles we may have to help us be the best managers we can be. Really... this is all fancy-speak for group therapy, something I never saw myself taking part in, but seeing as it was something offered by my company, I wanted to see why lululemon felt so passionate about this course and what it might be able to offer me.

Upon walking in the room, a strange feeling took over me. There were one hundred and twelve chairs facing a podium with chalk boards and microphones on each side, banners declaring our right to live a life we love decorating the blank, windowless walls, and a long table lining the back of the room where "Landmark supervisors" would watch our every move. Needless to say, I was officially out of my comfort zone and a bit scared of what the next three thirteen-hour days ahead of me were going to be like. The cult-y posters and freakishly friendly Landmark supervisors made me feel like we were all going to put on a new pair of Nikes and drink Kool-aid at the end of this experience... but I was determined to learn something that weekend, no matter how uncomfortable I was.

The way The Forum works is there are intervals of about 2 to 3 hours were we cover certain topics like integrity, our relationships with our parents, finding completeness and/or forgiveness with past relationships, ect. and we are asked to go up to the microphone and share our personal stories and what we've learned from the conversations... so this isn't just group therapy, it's group therapy on a microphone in front of 112 people... pretty intimidating. But, you all know me and know that, if I am going to spend 13 hours a day in a little room devoid of natural lighting and constantly adjusting my posture to keep my butt from falling asleep, I'm going to go for it- I'm going to go up to that damn microphone and tell all of these strangers my problems because I am going to get something out of this, damnit!

Well, let me tell you... There is nothing more surreal than standing in front of a room full of strangers, talking about your personal problems as people sit there nodding their heads while the Forum leader analyzes your life. It drove me nuts to hear people letting out loud "UH HUH's" to the things the Landmark leader said as if they had just "figured me out". It felt like a weird Dr.Phil-esk dream where your life is being dissected before your very eyes and you are being summed up to be something that vaguely resembles the real-self you've determined your self to be. After I shared, I walked back to my seat, crossed my arms and declared that I didn't like this "thing" and was done participating. I started to day dream about small disasters that could potentially be my reason to escape this strange setting. I wanted to forget as soon as possible the fact that I had just spilled my guts to all of these random people that seemed to be watching my life like a tv show. I called my manager at break and told her Landmark was not for me but I would complete the day. I started to mentally check out...

But then, after a short mental break, a kit kat bar from the vending machine, and a renewed desire to get something out of this strange experience, I walked back into the conference room and decided to be present. Not just physically, but mentally. I was going to listen, be open to the possibility that I might eventually like or be thankful for this experience, and truly give Landmark my best shot. Person after person walked up to the mic. We listened to people share some of their darkest secrets. Many people broke down and it was hard to not fall apart as you watched these people lose control of their emotions and sob into the mic. It was in those moments where I thought to myself, "Where am I??". But, as I listened closer and closer, I began to understand the benefit of hearing someone's story and differentiating between "the story" and "what actually happened". This was the first Landmark concept that spoke to me.

"The story" is something we create to describe something that happened to us in the past. It's a way of getting sympathy, creating a scene, or just a way to re-live a bad experience that happened to us over and over. We discovered again and again as people brought their "stories" up to the mic that when you broke a situation down to just identifying "what happened", it is much easier to achieve closure. We also talked about the fact that the past only exists in the spoken word. The past does not exist today on its own, we bring it here. It is an active choice to leave the past in the past and it is a choice to let things simply be "things that happened". Stories allow us to create excuses for our lives and our behavior. We say things like, "because someone hurt me, I can act in this destructive way" and it just doesn't make sense.

I realized how often in my "stories" I blamed things and excused things for "bad timing". "Good timing" does not exist. "Timing" is an excuse. An excuse to not work for something you want. It's an excuse to push something away that could be good for you because you don't feel "ready" when, in reality, things can fall apart just as quickly as they come together and if there really is such a thing as "good timing" it is a temporary moment that should never be expected from anyone. Timing just IS.

But I think the thing that I felt I got the most out of from this course was relating closure with forgiveness. I learned that we often expect that when we forgive someone or try to experience closure, we often search for a emotional shift or complete change in opinion to allow us to go through with it, but forgiveness and closure are both, in actuality, declarations. They are commitments based on decisions, not emotion. If you want closure, you declare it- if you truly are committed to that closure, you will achieve it over time. That was a huge discovery for me and something I will remember for the rest of my life.
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So,on the beginning of the third day, after hours and hours of sob stories, fidgeting in my chair, and writing dozens of closure letters that would never be sent, we were asked to turn to our neighbor and discuss what we had learned so far in The Forum. My partner was a 60+ year-old man who worked as the Director of Science at the CDC and he asked me what I thought about my experience thus far and I said, "Well, I have definitely learned a lot, but I really don't like the actual experience. I don't like therapy and I've just felt really uncomfortable the past two days". That's when he said "Wait- Landmark is not about "liking it". What's to like? All of this intense emotion pent up in this little room, barely moving for days, and being intensely interviewed and analyzed... nothing about this experience is designed for you to "like" it... it's designed to teach you about yourself." And that's when I "got it".

Whether I liked it or not, I walked out of the Landmark Forum a stronger, smarter person. A better communicator and a better friend. No, I never want to do it again, but the closure I have achieved by attending this program and the inner-strength I have developed in invaluable. And it is by attending this Forum that I can let go of my ego and admit how much I learned from this program instead of just falsely committing to "being right". I would recommend this program to anyone and am so thankful my company offered me this opportunity.

And, I know I have said this a lot in the past few months, but, if I have learned anything, it's that I know nothing and I am getting more and more comfortable with that fact everyday.

Crazy Dog Lady

I have definitely become a bit of a crazy dog lady.

I noticed this yesterday when I was talking to a friend and I started my sentence with, "My dog and I always..." and I was like, "Oh my god, I talk about my dog like he's a person all the time! I am becoming one of THOSE people!!!"

Yes, I have hundreds of pictures of him, talk about him to strangers like he is human, and even plan hang out time with him on the weekends, but, I mean, how can I not? My dog is freaking hilarious. How many dogs do you know that sleep later than their owners? I am the only person I know that has to wake their dog up in the morning to go outside. Even as I'm writing this in my pj's in the living room, Josh just sleepily walked into the room after just waking up. I have been up and moving for over an hour!

Josh has all sorts of weird social issues and habits. Whenever there is a group of new people visiting me, there is about an 85% chance he will start sprinting around all of us in circles until he completely runs out of energy. He is obsessed with being squished. He will always has to find the tiniest spaces and squeeze into them to sleep. And I just walk in on him doing weird things all the time. Just last week I walked into my roommates room to find him sitting and staring directly at a painting- HAHA! He also went through a weird phase about 2 years ago where he would go find a bra in my room and bring it out into the living room-wtf?? hahaha! And don't get me started on the fact that he will literally sit and chew on his own foot for hours on end and the only command I can use to get him to stop is, "JOSH! That is NOT a chicken wing"! haha!

In case you didn't know, Josh was a rescue. I got him from the Humane Society when he was about three years old so he already had a strong personality and a lot of weird habits I had to get used to. For example, you know when you stick your tongue out and blow through your lips to make that fart sound? Josh is scared to DEATH of that sound. He will literally get up and run out of the room and hide under a bed. How does something like that happen?? What kind of weird, farting freak owned Josh before me??

But despite all of his weird social issues and strange habits, I just love this dog! ...Even if he literally walks on my face almost every night.

Life P.B.... Post Break-Up

It's hard to explain the complex emotions that follow a break up. Feelings of sadness- of course, liberation, excitement, fear, anger, confusion, hope, reignited passion for self-development and maybe even a better love. Life P.B. is a whirlwind for sure. I will be walking down the street, swaying my hips like I own the world and suddenly a massive wave of emotion will practically knock me over. I will all of a sudden feel sad or disoriented. I think this is mostly because I am in the process of rediscovering how to live my daily life. Everything feels new. I've said this before but, because I have been in a relationship so long, the only real perception of the single life I have is from TV. And TV tells me that I should be walking around in sexy little outfits, acting sassy, dating all sorts of random people I encounter in the street, working for some women's magazine writing about relationships and spending tons of money I don't have one shoes. As far as I know, this IS the single life... I really won't be able to report back to you until later...

Speaking of mixed emotions, during a break-up, it seems like every F-ing song is speaking to you. Everything from the line in the Fray song "younger now than we were before" to "It's Raining Men" seems like it is supposed to be a reflection of what my life should be like or how I'm feeling. All sorts of songs sound different now. I found myself saying out loud in my car the other day, "Is every f-ing song about love!?!?" That is something I would have never noticed before this. Write about something else, people!

But let me ask you one thing... where did all of these FREAKS come from? When I was in a relationship, men would still ask me out occasionally but they were decent guys that seemed to have things going for them... now that I am single, I am finding myself in the middle of some twisted freak show where random men are licking their teeth at me at the gas station and practically eye-raping me near public restrooms... WTF!? I have to say that I am truly concerned about the state of men at the moment, but I guess it will take meeting a really good one to change my mind.

On a side note, I have always had really vivid dreams about things going on in my life, my fears, my worries, and occasionally something pleasent, but that is very rare. And, let me tell you, my fear of re-entering the dating scene had made itself known in my subconcious even deep into my REM cycle. I have to tell you about this one dream I had two nights ago...

So I had a dream I was running in a 5K with my manager, Missy, and met this guy who looks like a young "Andy" from "The Office". We had a great conversation and then he asked me to go with him for coffee. I told him that I needed to go home to change and I could take him and Missy back to my place while I got ready to go. He came up to my room and we started to make out when he pulled back and said the weirdest F-ing thing I've ever heard..."There are only two kinds of people in the world. The people who have sex with adults and the people who have sex with children". I immediately jumped back and said "what kind of sick thing is that to say!?!?! This is over- I am not going ANYWHERE with you!" He then stomped out of the room like I was the freak, and went to the basement.

I texted Missy something like "This guy is a freak. Let's just go drop him back at the race" and she never responded... I thought that was fishy, so I went down to the basement only to find that he had TIED HER UP and was going to KILL her!! I tried to run back up stairs when he grabbed my ankle and pulled my down. So... ok, this part is really strange, but if you had been to the self-defense course I had taken the week before you would know why this would have happened in my dream... so after he pulled me down the stairs I ripped his eyes out! Yes, people, I, Leighton, ripped a man's eyes out in my dream. Ha ha... wow... I think this dream accurately depicts my ridiculous fear of dating right now, and I actually am even laughing as I am typing it!

Ironically, one of my best friends dreamed the same night about the man I'm meant to be with and left me a message the next morning about it so I could keep my eyes open... BTW, if you meet any African men with thick accents getting their Masters in Social Work at GA State that love to dance and have impeccable style... that's him, I guess. Ask Erin.

Anyways, I am sure this phase of my life will be a very interesting one. One full of hilarious and crazy stories, amazing and horrifying life lessons, and maybe even some pure, unadultarated bliss. I have yet to have an official opinion of this new stage of my life, but I am sure that, if it is nothing else, it will be ...interesting.

Broken Hearts Club

I titled this entry after a very random conversation I had with a waiter yesterday. I went to a restaurant with a good friend to cheer up, have some good conversation, and decide how I am going to rebuild my life after a crushing breakup that happened the day before. We were laughing, talking, and basically discovering that I will be totally fine when the waiter, who I had met through a friend months before asked me how I was doing after my friend went to the restroom.

I hate this question right now... Can I really force myself to say. "fine"? Really? And, if you know me, you KNOW I am the worst liar on the planet and whenever I feel something, I feel it all the way and it is written all over my face.

I went from laughing and feeling like my normal self, to someone who just realized that their life had just completely changed in a blink of an eye. My eyes welled up a bit and I said... "Honestly...not that great." He pulled up a chair and sat down. After talking for a few minutes I discovered he was dealing with the same EXACT thing I am dealing with right now and immediately my perspective on the world changed. I was not the only person piecing their life back together that Sunday.

The night before I was convinced that I was the saddest person on Earth. The only person dealing with any real pain. And the only person that ever really loved someone all the way. After talking with him and hearing the pain that he was dealing with and covering up just like I was, I took a look around the restaurant and thought about all of the people who have hurt and are still hurting. I am not the only one to ever lose something important to them. And, although it makes me sad to know of all the pain there is in the world, it made me realize that people all over are just MOVING ON and not becoming the thing that they are sad about.

Just as it's a choice to wake up and love someone everyday, it is also a choice to let yourself succumb to an emotion that will not benefit your life. With a combination of my own passion and confidence, the amazing support from friends and family I had had that day, and the unexpected "broken hearts club meeting" I had with my waiter, I left feeling so empowered, supported, and understood. Who knew some random waiter could change my entire perspective on my break up? and maybe even the way I look at people in general...

I am feeling much better.

Doughnuts...

I was watching a show today about a cafe in Prague were you can buy a bowl of stale, hard doughnuts for $60 American dollars under the condition that you will start throwing them at people in the restaurant. I love this! Basically, this is based after a novel written in the 1940's where the author described the three types of people in the world: the people who look at a bowl of stale doughnuts and think nothing, the people you look at a bowl of stale doughnuts and think about throwing them at people in the cafe, and the people who look at a bowl of stale doughnuts and actually throw them at people in the cafe.

Unfortunately, I think I fall into the second category. I would love to throw doughnuts at random people in a cafe, but I know that I would feel constrained by my conscience. I would see the doughnuts sitting in that bowl in their sugary, powered glory and invision the jelly inside exploding on the face of some unsuspecting cafe patron while keeping my hands tightly restrained in my pockets and never even thinking about following through with such an insane fantasy. But, I have to say, this doughnut story has inspired me to be the kind of person that "throws the doughnuts". Obviously, by "throwing the doughnuts" I do not always mean literally throwing doughnuts, this could mean anything!

It could mean saying exactly what I want to say to someone exactly when and how I want to say it without reservations or worry of the consequences. It could mean jumping out of an airplane without worrying about the whole death thing. It could mean leaving the country and starting a whole new life somewhere and not looking back. This whole "throwing the doughnuts" thing is a lifestyle, and I am thinking about trying to "throw the doughnuts" a hell of a lot more often than I do now.

So I'm going to start taking more chances, worrying a whole lot less, and just living life more whole heartedly and passionately. After all, who wants to be the kind of person who looks at a bowl of stale doughnuts and doesn't think anything at all ; ).

C'MON

Just when I thought "Crocs" secured the title of "World's Ugliest Footwear", (except for maybe for "Jellies" which were ugly AND painful *double whammy*) America outdoes itself by choosing an even more horrific style of footwear that easily deserves a life sentence for crimes against humanity/fashion... and it goes by the name Vibram Five Fingers (see below).



For God's sake, why on Earth would you subject the people around you to something so... so... explicit? Is that the word I'm looking for? I don't know... All I know is that I'm offended, and something must be done! I recently saw a man in Downtown Decatur sporting these babies, and I just had to announce my disapproval. So there you have it. I disapprove.

The Piedmont Park Public Pool

Have you ever been to a public pool?

It is a mixture of pleasure and pain. Awkwardness and pure happiness. Relaxation and chaos. Sometimes it's amazing and sometimes... well, it's a public pool.

You see, as of now, I live in the East Atlanta Village, the black sheep of Atlanta's neighborhoods. It's a place where the smell of pot oozes from the front doors and windows of most households as I go for my morning jog. It's a place where we you can't leave a bike outside for 10 minutes without them getting stolen. It's a place where people's dogs run loose and hang out in your front yard. It is NOT a place with luxurious, resort style pools that my heart so desperately desires, which lead me to my recent usage of the Piedmont Park Public Pool.

Don't get me wrong, this pool is really nice. A place to swim laps, a beach-inspired shallow end, and even a lazy river, but there is one thing that you'll find at a public pool that is not often found at a private neighborhood pool... FREAKS. The first time I went by myself, the pool was practically empty and one huge, burly man with long hair came and sat right next to me and read "Twilight" while repeatedly snorting his snot up his nose... not very luxurious, people.

The most recent time I went, I was subjected to experiencing the brunt of some teenage boys' hormonal outbursts. A boy, no older than thirteen came up behind me and gave my butt a DOUBLE squeeze. Not just one, but TWO squeezes on my ass. I was so shocked that this CHILD would do this that I didn't do or say anything except "Oh my God, Diana! That kid just squeezed my ass!" Traumatizing... not luxury.

But that isn't even the worst part... Diana and I went in the whirlpool that spins you around in circles only to be followed in by a teenager going through an extreme awkward phase that wore goggles and was obviously staring at our bodies underwater as we swam... he even came up for air and quietly said "That's all I've ever wanted"... WTH?? What does that MEAN?? NOT luxury.

But... when it's 90+ degrees outside, you do what you gotta do. The pool is awesome, so you should go check it out... just bring headphones, don't look anyone directly in the eye, and watch your ass... literally...

The Gay Marriage Debate

My blood is boiling.

I have had it with the gay marriage debate.

After recent statements made by the runner-up in the Miss USA pageant, the debate has been reignited yet again, and I am forced to clinch my teeth as I listen to hundreds of thousands of my fellow Americans try to rationalize their bigotry.

I am sick to death of hearing people say that two men or women together cannot provide for their child, whether it be emotionally or otherwise or that by making gay marriage legal, that homosexuals will be destroying the "holiest" of unions.

I have only one thing to say about this argument:

If (straight) marriage had a record of success, and I don't think that a 50:50 success ratio meets the definition of "good" by anyone's standards, THEN you would have an argument. Why would you try to prevent anyone from loving and caring for a child? Or loving and caring for each other?

You would think that the people fighting for this "institution" would begin with their own marriages... or at least their own "kind". And, in fact, considering that so many marriages are falling apart, it is probably about damn time we REDEFINE it. How about we just let people love each other? I'm not quite sure why anyone would have a problem with that...

This country is always so hypocritical. We are against "Separate but Equal" except when it comes to... those people...

Our country is founded on the separation of church and state, but politicians use "God" for political gain and we are asked to swear on a Bible in court.

It just amazes me that people fight against gay marriage as if it would cancel out their own straight marriage. People, gay marriage does not affect YOU! Do you feel the "effect" of anyone else's marriage in your daily life? NO! And it's not as if preventing gay couples from getting married will prevent gay couples! It is just ridiculous!

Gay couples adopt children in need. They pay taxes. They buy homes. And, most importantly, people in love, HAPPY people, are one of the world's most valuable resources.




So here is my advice to you, if you are against gay marriage... don't get married to a person of the same sex, and you'll be alright... I promise.

The Crips, the Bloods, and the Bin Ladens

I watched a great movie last night called "Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?" where Morgan Spurlock (the same guy from Supersize me) goes on his own personal hunt for OBL in an effort to improve the safety of the world.

Throughout the movie, it only becomes more and more apparent that finding OBL alone is not really going to have much of an effect on the world of terrorism and, much less, on the world overall.

Yes, Bin Laden is a terrible dude with terrible ideals, but HE does not equal TERRORISM which is exactly what the American government has tried to convince this entire country of. That's like saying that by killing the lead head honcho of the Crips, we will eradicate gang violence altogether... doesn't that sound ridiculous? It does to me! And that's exactly what's happening!

And, actually, I find it interesting how similarly American gangs and terrorist networks function. They prey on poor, disenfranchised youth that are desperate to care for their families and, after convincing them that they will protect their families and provide a brotherhood like nothing else they have experienced in their lives, they use them to further their own agendas with no regard for the lives or futures of those they've recruited.

They both govern with fear and both display the absolute lowest of the low when in comes to the human condition... by creating violence out of thin air.

See this movie! It reminds us that concepts like the "War on Terror" are just exactly that... concepts. And you can't fight an idea... well, I guess you can try.

Orange Grandpa

No, you didn't read that wrong, I said "Orange Grandpa". For as long as I can remember, I have referred to my grandparents as "Orange" (my dad's side) and "Brown" (my mom's side). I came up with this around the age of three when I noticed the colors my grandpas looked like in the shade. Basically, my brown grandpa who has a deep olive skin tone, has a fabulous tan year round, so his name was easier for my family to understand. Now... orange? That's a bit harder for me to explain, but it made perfect sense to my three year old self, and, well, it has just stuck ever since.

So my orange grandpa had been sick for the past couple months and he passed away early this morning. I feel like I am in a dream. Although he had been having a terrible time trying to breathe and move from place to place for a while now, he took such a fast turn for the worst yesterday, and I never thought this would have happened so fast.

My mom called me at work yesterday to tell me he was being moved from the hospital to hospice... never a good sign. She told me that I could see him that evening, but I could probably wait until tomorrow if it would be easier. It was a weirdest feeling but I just knew that I needed to leave work immediately and go see him. I am so thankful I did, because if I had left any later, I would have missed my last words with him.

It's really hard to see someone go from a lively, active person to someone that relies on help to do everything. Seeing my grandpa yesterday was nothing short of a shock. He looked so tiny and helpless and, if you know my grandpa, you would know how jarring it is for him to be silent. My grandpa loved to talk so much that he would talk about anything... EVERYTHING just to keep a conversation going! The man was a social butterfly : )

I sat next to him and I could barely hear him as he spoke. So much of what he said was mumbled and out of context due to weakness and mass quantities of medication, but, from what I could hear, he was being so loving and sweet. I heard him say "My wonderful, wonderful family" and when I made sure he knew I was there, his eyes lit up and he nuzzled me when I hugged him. And when my dad said, "Isn't your granddaughter beautiful?" my grandpa looked at me, the corners of his mouth went up, and in the weakest and sweetest voice he said, "yes". After I talked to him for a while, he looked at me and asked, "How's work?" and I couldn't help but laugh. Even in his state, my grandpa couldn't resist conversation and, for those of you that know my work situation, this question is even funnier! I laughed and told him the truth. My un-sugarcoated yet light-hearted answer made a smile on his face so big that it moved me to tears. I saw the real him in that moment, and I was so thankful. He was my grandpa in that moment.

We played some classical music for him and just stayed by his side until he fell asleep. I just never expected that that would be my last moment with him. It blows my mind that he was still working and coming to my parent's house for Sunday dinners only a couple of months ago. Life can change so fast.

But let me tell you a little bit about my grandpa.

This was a man that collected the weirdest things... figurines of trolls, squirrels, and friendly-looking monsters. A man that gave the worst presents... and I mean that in an endearing way. He once gave me a frog statue made of mulch- hahahaha. He was someone who loved reading and took me to the library or read me a book nearly every time I saw him growing up. He printed out all of his e-mails, and kept framed quotations that he typed on his type-writer all over his house and frequently gave them as gifts. He always ate dessert and always loved talking to his granddaughters. He played the organ and went to church, and loved cafeteria-style restaurants. He loved my grandma... a lot. He was never the same after she died when I was 12. I have memories of sleeping on his bedroom floor when I would spend the night at his house when I was little, and he would always wake me up when he did leg exercises in his bed and did these "hee hee ho ho" breathing techniques... I don't know how my grandma slept through them! He adored his cats Chelsea and Davey and I am so thankful he had them as company. He was the king of greeting cards and brought bags of Hersey's miniatures and boxes of Russel Stovers almost every time he visited. He loved spending time with his family and he never let us forget that.

He was a great grandpa and he really loved me.

I'll miss you, Grandpa.

My Grown-Up Weekend

I guess by using the term "grown-up", I already seem more like a kid than an adult, but I really did feel like an one this weekend... and it was weeeeeiiirdddd.

On Friday, I was so exhausted I couldn't bare the thought of going out. Instead I booked a massage and looked at home furnishings by myself... that sounds so ridiculous to me as a type it... but that's exactly what I did. Then I met up with Diana for a slice and we actually made plans to finish just in time to watch Frasier... WHO AM I?? Hahahaa! I'm only about two months into adulthood and I am already trying to make it home in time to watch "my shows"!? I need to be careful or soon I'll be falling asleep face deep in my early bird special at Applebees!!

Saturday was much less elderly-like...

I had to work in the early afternoon at a Big's and Little's pizza slash thank you card writing party to show appreciation for our donors. It was so fantastic to see these amazing people choosing to spend their Saturday with kids who really need someone to look up to and have fun with. My job felt important that day : ). Later on, Darius, Melissa and I planned to have an adult night. Nice place, nice clothes, nice company, and no cheap beer, pizza, or Mexican food.

On the way to Apre Diem (easily one of my favorite places to hang out in Atl), we talked about one part in the movie "As Good as it Gets" where the three main characters are in Paris and they become the perfect picture of "eat, drink, and be merry". They order food and drinks all night while just laughing, talking and not thinking about anything outside of the moment.

Our night ended up being so much like that movie. We laughed and talked and ate and drank. We didn't think too hard about what anything was costing, or what time it was. We just had fun... and we looked damn good too ; ).

I live for nights like that! Nights like that remind you that sometimes the most simple things in life are the most pleasant. I would have to say that friends, food, wine, and conversation are probably my favorite things in the world, and I really love when they come all at once!

And, speaking of conversation, one of our favorite topics of the night was about this BBC documentary about technology replacing and/or eclipsing human intelligence. It's about an hour long, but, seriously, WATCH IT! It's fascinating and you won't regret it! http://wimp.com/newhuman/

On Sunday, Darius and I slept in, watched a documentary (Man on Wire),went grocery shopping, played in the unexpected snow, cooked dinner and feel asleep after watching about 300 Internet videos on Wimp.com (my new obsession). It was a perfect day... well... except for the grocery store.

There is something that happens at the grocery store that I cannot STAND. OK, it may sound stupid to you, but I cannot remember the last time I bought grapes and the Ziploc bag that they came in was not wide open and broken!?!? WTH?? Why do they even bother to put them in plastic bags with zippers??? They are ALWAYS broken! This drives me crazy! I mean, I don't want to put the plastic bag inside another plastic bag, so I always try to do this twisty, half-knot thing but because there is never enough plastic to tie the bag shut, it always ends up coming open during the drive home and I have to go searching for random stray grapes rolling around my trunk. SO, to you grape companies out there, don't tease me with this pseudo Ziploc bag, I am over it!

But, other than that, it was a damn good weekend! Here are some pics from the random snow day and our pathetic, little snow man : )


My house

Josh and me after waking up to the snow!

Even Snowmen gotta get that potassium!

Umm... what? NO! Wait- OK.

So this is one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me...(slight exaggeration)...

Let me tell you, spending nine hours a day in fluorescent lighting has me craving sunshine and sand more than ever, so Darius and I decided to go ahead a book our yearly vacation way in advance so we could have something to look forward to while taking advantage of the early booking discounts.

We knew we wanted to take a cruise, so we chose one online and after careful consideration, chose a 7-day cruise in the Western Caribbean that goes to Jamaica, Mexico, and the Grand Cayman Islands.

We obsessively kept checking to make sure that we chose the right date, city to leave from, and destination as we went through the booking process. We just didn't want to make an expensive mistake, especially because using the early booking discount makes it nearly impossible to change any of your vacation plans. So, after we entered the credit card number, we took one final look at our soon-to-be vacation plans and hit "continue" only to have a screen pop up that says...

"Congratulations on booking your 7 day Glacier Bay cruise departing from Vancouver"

WTF!?!?! I was freaking out! I need SUN! SAND! BEACHES! Not... GLACIERS!!!

Of course Darius did not freak out... he's obviously not a Hellem... we are freaker-outers... but, in an endearing way, of course ; )

We called the cruise line and they told us that they had the correct information and that it was just a technical glitch... But it took me a good fifteen minutes to recover from the wave of depression that came over me when I read the word "Vancouver"...

You guys, I just don't know what I would have done if I had to go to Vancouver for vacation... that's only slightly more depressing than spending a week in a cold, wet cave...

But, it's all good and I am excited for Darius and I to take our first "plush" vacation : ) No hostels, living on PB&J sandwiches, or public buses this time- just easy, relaxing, fun in the sun ... only five...more...months...

Improvement

There is something really inspiring about being in an undesirable place in your life. I guess that's partly due to the fact that there is nowhere to go but up, and partly due to the fact that there is so much time to think about what's missing and how you are going to get it. I have to admit, this is really the first time in my life that I feel like I'm in the wrong place... not too bad for 22 years, but still worrisome nonetheless. But learning about what you don't want is sometimes just as important as finding out what you do want, and, well, I am doing a lot of that these days.

I think a lot of people are comfortable with their job being their job and their life being their life. I am finding out more and more each day, I am not one of those people. I always tell people, "I feel everything". I cannot separate myself from my work. After all, it's MY time and MY ideas... it IS me. That is why I have always been attracted to humanitarian careers and service jobs. I want to have the opportunity to improve something for someone else every day. Whether it's helping to raise HIV/AIDS awareness to save lives, or just bringing food to some one's table and making them smile, I just really like and need to improve things around me. I don't feel whole unless I see, hear, and feel my impact on others.

I'm sure that is due to the fact that I know how much I appreciate someone going out of their way to make me smile or feel comfortable, and based on the things others have done for me in the past, I know how much better it makes me feel about humanity and my community afterwards. I think that if everybody went a little out of their way for others, FAR more people would find charitable giving valuable, and far more people would actually feel concern for the future of their planet and the people on it.

So lately I have found myself being very open to new ideas of a more suitable life for myself. A life where I actually am aware of what the weather is outside without someone telling me, or a life where my peers share a similar desire to improve the environment around them, even just by making people smile.

I have been considering taking a long mission trip, teaching English in a foreign country, working on a cruise ship, or working in community outreach in a more grassroots type of non-profit... but I am also considering making the most out of my current situation, and trying to find ways to enjoy my job the way I need to in order to be happy. THAT would be ideal.

But, no matter how lost I feel in my professional life, I couldn't feel more sound in my personal one. This past weekend was such a gift. I am so damn lucky to have so much love in my life. Loyal, funny friends, a family that finds me to be so fabulous that I can't help but start to believe it, and a supportive, unconditionally loving boyfriend who wants me to have everything I want. I mean, unfulfilling job aside, that is pretty damn good life.

So I will continue to search for a way to feel good at work but, in the mean time, I am going to improve upon myself. Starting with health.

I am so excited to achieve my new fitness and health goals. Losing a little weight, not missing yoga classes to maintain my mental sanity, and trying to give up some of the food choices I have been making lately (basically everything found in a Mexican restaurant needs to become my enemy). I am choosing to focus on these things because I know I am happier when I feel good about myself, and maybe those extra endorphins will carry my through this stage in my life. : )

Those Egyptians Weren't Fooling Around.

Darius and I went to the King Tut Exhibit last weekend and it was amazing. Everything, no matter how large, was intricately detailed in a way that you knew that the creator took a lot of pride and care in what they were doing. And what really blew my mind was that all of the things we were looking at were over 3,000 years old... some of them 5,000 years old, and it made me think... what kinds of things will we leave behind?

Nowadays, nothing is made to last. We destroy buildings when they are no longer used, and cities are spending less and less money on public art. Will anything from this age survive? Will there be artifacts from the 2000's, or will the irreversible harm on the environment and a hole in the ozone layer be the only legacy we leave behind? A lot of the things we saw in the exhibit took hundreds of years to make. Now, we hardly wait longer that a few months for a new building. So if we don't make anything tangible to last, what does?

In the exhibit, there was a sign that explained that many kings believed that they could survive in the afterlife only as long as their name was repeated on Earth. I found that to be so similar to the way I feel about leaving a legacy behind after death. The only real legacy we can leave is our affect on people and how we made the world better for somebody else. What kind of life did we live if we didn't serve fellow human beings, or make a point to improve the state of humanity? If we don't, we really just live and die, leaving no reason for our names to mentioned and leaving no legend worth repeating.

I guess that's why all I've ever wanted is to make people feel good. I really enjoy making people feel comfortable, included, wanted, listened-to, and important. I guess I hope that I will leave a legacy of making people come together and just feel good. About themselves and about, well, anything! Everything! That's how I want to feel, anyways!

I have been going through a tough time lately evaluating my life and and trying to figure out what I want to do next, but my sister found a saying that has really helped me stay focused and happy for the good things in life...

"Don't wait for the storm to pass... learn to dance in the rain."

So, for now, I will try to learn to love this moment for what it is, and not wish for another to come along, because if I spend my life waiting for the next thing, I won't leave anything behind worth remembering.

So, what's the deal with people?

Ok, the title of this blog is inspired by my main man, Jerry Seinfeld because I am about to tell you the most ridiculous Seinfeld-esk story you've ever heard.

So D and I were at Target tonight trying on shoes when a tall, lanky man pushing a shopping cart slowly lurked by and let out a little terradactyl-like screech. Diana and I looked at each other, pressing our lips together, trying to suppress our laughter when we both peeked out of the shoe aisle to see the man slowly turning back in our direction. He walked past our aisle again, this time looking at us while he screeched. We both lost control and started laughing. A few seconds later, he was walking on the opposite side of us, staring right at us and letting out ANOTHER dinosaur noise. D and I could not stop laughing! It was so strange! This crazy dinosaur man was watching us just a little too closely and walking curiously slow.

Finally, after watching him slowly push his cart through the open spaces of the shoe rack, dino-man made his finally pass, this time with a lady friend. How the H does a creepy, middle-aged, slow-walking, dinosaur-impersonating dude find a lady friend while so many normal, pleasant people can't find a date?? So again I ask, what the the DEAL with people, people???

Hmm...

I am not sure about this new 2009 life of mine. Something just does not feel right. I am feeling a little too chained down and, I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I have what I like to call, an "utz". An "utz" is a lot like that feeling you get when you're riding a roller coaster, and after a big drop, you feel stomachless and eerily empty. It's a feeling of being out of control and, ultimately, just strange.

I normally feel exhilarated by new things. Newness normally fills me up, but now, I am drowning in newness and trying to surround myself with the comfort of the familiar. I am not quite sure what I would do without Darius right now. He is the only one who knows the scope of my dreams and what really makes me feel alive, and without him to guide me back to those feelings, I am sure I would have already lost my mind.

But, despite it all, I still feel like amazing things are going to happen for me this year. And those amazing things will feel even better coming after such a strange and uncomfortable time period.

So often, we all forget to take it all in. Normally, it's not until something is missing that we start to look harder at the world and notice the little things that feel good. When everything is perfect, I don't realize how good it feels to take a nice, long, deep, breath or how good it actually feels to laugh. So, for now, while I try to determine a cure for this 2009 "utz", I will remedy its symptoms with yoga, friends, and, most importantly, LOVE.

I have to remember how lucky I am to have this unrelenting, passionate, and EASY love in my life. Its always there. I don't have to question it, work for it, it never runs out, and, damnit, it's FREE. A to the MEN.

New Beginnings...

It's like I'm reliving my first day of school. I am the new kid and for the first time in my life, I am keeping a little to myself, trying to take everything in. I am excited and overwhelmed but overall, I can't wait to become a more resourceful and useful person.

I can't believe I have my own office, and I really can't believe that I said "Meet me in my office" several times in the past two days. In a way I feel like a kid masquerading as an adult despite my confidence and maturity. It will take a lot of getting used to, but I feel pretty sure that this will be a GREAT beginning to my career.

At my yoga class tonight, the teacher read a passage from one of her favorite books...

"Freedom is not freedom from the world. It is freedom within it."

What a helpful phrase for this time in my life. In one way I feel like I've become just another one of "them" driving in rush hour, taking lunch breaks, and stressing over things that would not even phase me in the "real world" but on the other hand, I can choose to lose myself in this work. I can learn to feel free within this new environment and within my work. Free to be creative and to be myself.

It will take some time to make this new life feel like my own, but the reality is, it IS mine and I will love it as I have come to love many challenging things in my life. For now, I will try to find some plants that can flourish in fluorescent lighting and, well, I guess I hope that I will too : )



"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.”

FINALLY!

It's only after I haven't seen the sun in days that I realize that my body just might run entirely on solar power.

Oh you big ball of burning gas in the sky, you! Thanks for being so great!

Do adults still sing into the mirror?

It's hard to believe that in less than one week, I will officially be an adult. I will have a full-time job... no, wait, CAREER, and the days of sleeping until noon will be over, except for the occasional weekend, of course. I keep thinking about how old I thought people were that had "real" jobs even just a few years ago. Am I one of them now? Will I even be distinguishable from the other working ADULTS walking down the street? I don't even feel old enough to have graduated from college, much less be walking through Downtown Atlanta in my office wear on my lunch break! And the craziest thing is that I can see the Georgia State campus from my building! The song "Working for the Weekend" is echoing in my head and I am bracing myself for the day-to-day life of a working woman.

Don't get me wrong, I could not be happier or more excited to start this job. I couldn't be working for a more amazing organization and I couldn't be more thankful for this opportunity, especially during a recession (!), but I am just experiencing a mini life crisis resulting from the realization that I am not a kid anymore. I never considered an 18 year-old an adult, I mean, have you ever met an 18 year-old? No, way. They're still kids. I think adulthood is more of a choice. A choice to be independent and create a life of your own for yourself. I don't think adulthood is at all related to the number of candles on your birthday cake. It comes from not only accepting but welcoming responsibility and, for that, I feel ready.

For my last three years of college all I wanted was to work for a non-profit that made a difference in people's lives and their communities and, wow, here I am. I actually wanted something, worked for it, and GOT it! Nothing is more inspiring than that! I am so excited to have taken the first step in my CHOSEN career path and, as I said in my interview, there are so many jobs where someone will wake up in the morning and ask themselves "What will happen if I go to work today?" but then there are jobs that matter so greatly in the lives of people that your choice has much greater implications. You have to ask yourself, "What will happen if I do not go to work today?" and the answer, in my case, would be, children will go without someone to look up to, someone to trust, and most importantly, someone to love them and I just cannot have that.

I cannot wait to work for an organization that improves the quality of so many children's lives here in Atlanta, and whether or not I am willing to accept the fact that I am an adult, I can definitely accept that! So, for now I am just trying to accumulate a wardrobe suitable for an office ( I guess that means no more earrings that reach my collar bone or four inch heels) and prepare to begin a new and exciting chapter in my life.



Change is good : )