Umm... what? NO! Wait- OK.

So this is one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me...(slight exaggeration)...

Let me tell you, spending nine hours a day in fluorescent lighting has me craving sunshine and sand more than ever, so Darius and I decided to go ahead a book our yearly vacation way in advance so we could have something to look forward to while taking advantage of the early booking discounts.

We knew we wanted to take a cruise, so we chose one online and after careful consideration, chose a 7-day cruise in the Western Caribbean that goes to Jamaica, Mexico, and the Grand Cayman Islands.

We obsessively kept checking to make sure that we chose the right date, city to leave from, and destination as we went through the booking process. We just didn't want to make an expensive mistake, especially because using the early booking discount makes it nearly impossible to change any of your vacation plans. So, after we entered the credit card number, we took one final look at our soon-to-be vacation plans and hit "continue" only to have a screen pop up that says...

"Congratulations on booking your 7 day Glacier Bay cruise departing from Vancouver"

WTF!?!?! I was freaking out! I need SUN! SAND! BEACHES! Not... GLACIERS!!!

Of course Darius did not freak out... he's obviously not a Hellem... we are freaker-outers... but, in an endearing way, of course ; )

We called the cruise line and they told us that they had the correct information and that it was just a technical glitch... But it took me a good fifteen minutes to recover from the wave of depression that came over me when I read the word "Vancouver"...

You guys, I just don't know what I would have done if I had to go to Vancouver for vacation... that's only slightly more depressing than spending a week in a cold, wet cave...

But, it's all good and I am excited for Darius and I to take our first "plush" vacation : ) No hostels, living on PB&J sandwiches, or public buses this time- just easy, relaxing, fun in the sun ... only five...more...months...

Improvement

There is something really inspiring about being in an undesirable place in your life. I guess that's partly due to the fact that there is nowhere to go but up, and partly due to the fact that there is so much time to think about what's missing and how you are going to get it. I have to admit, this is really the first time in my life that I feel like I'm in the wrong place... not too bad for 22 years, but still worrisome nonetheless. But learning about what you don't want is sometimes just as important as finding out what you do want, and, well, I am doing a lot of that these days.

I think a lot of people are comfortable with their job being their job and their life being their life. I am finding out more and more each day, I am not one of those people. I always tell people, "I feel everything". I cannot separate myself from my work. After all, it's MY time and MY ideas... it IS me. That is why I have always been attracted to humanitarian careers and service jobs. I want to have the opportunity to improve something for someone else every day. Whether it's helping to raise HIV/AIDS awareness to save lives, or just bringing food to some one's table and making them smile, I just really like and need to improve things around me. I don't feel whole unless I see, hear, and feel my impact on others.

I'm sure that is due to the fact that I know how much I appreciate someone going out of their way to make me smile or feel comfortable, and based on the things others have done for me in the past, I know how much better it makes me feel about humanity and my community afterwards. I think that if everybody went a little out of their way for others, FAR more people would find charitable giving valuable, and far more people would actually feel concern for the future of their planet and the people on it.

So lately I have found myself being very open to new ideas of a more suitable life for myself. A life where I actually am aware of what the weather is outside without someone telling me, or a life where my peers share a similar desire to improve the environment around them, even just by making people smile.

I have been considering taking a long mission trip, teaching English in a foreign country, working on a cruise ship, or working in community outreach in a more grassroots type of non-profit... but I am also considering making the most out of my current situation, and trying to find ways to enjoy my job the way I need to in order to be happy. THAT would be ideal.

But, no matter how lost I feel in my professional life, I couldn't feel more sound in my personal one. This past weekend was such a gift. I am so damn lucky to have so much love in my life. Loyal, funny friends, a family that finds me to be so fabulous that I can't help but start to believe it, and a supportive, unconditionally loving boyfriend who wants me to have everything I want. I mean, unfulfilling job aside, that is pretty damn good life.

So I will continue to search for a way to feel good at work but, in the mean time, I am going to improve upon myself. Starting with health.

I am so excited to achieve my new fitness and health goals. Losing a little weight, not missing yoga classes to maintain my mental sanity, and trying to give up some of the food choices I have been making lately (basically everything found in a Mexican restaurant needs to become my enemy). I am choosing to focus on these things because I know I am happier when I feel good about myself, and maybe those extra endorphins will carry my through this stage in my life. : )

Those Egyptians Weren't Fooling Around.

Darius and I went to the King Tut Exhibit last weekend and it was amazing. Everything, no matter how large, was intricately detailed in a way that you knew that the creator took a lot of pride and care in what they were doing. And what really blew my mind was that all of the things we were looking at were over 3,000 years old... some of them 5,000 years old, and it made me think... what kinds of things will we leave behind?

Nowadays, nothing is made to last. We destroy buildings when they are no longer used, and cities are spending less and less money on public art. Will anything from this age survive? Will there be artifacts from the 2000's, or will the irreversible harm on the environment and a hole in the ozone layer be the only legacy we leave behind? A lot of the things we saw in the exhibit took hundreds of years to make. Now, we hardly wait longer that a few months for a new building. So if we don't make anything tangible to last, what does?

In the exhibit, there was a sign that explained that many kings believed that they could survive in the afterlife only as long as their name was repeated on Earth. I found that to be so similar to the way I feel about leaving a legacy behind after death. The only real legacy we can leave is our affect on people and how we made the world better for somebody else. What kind of life did we live if we didn't serve fellow human beings, or make a point to improve the state of humanity? If we don't, we really just live and die, leaving no reason for our names to mentioned and leaving no legend worth repeating.

I guess that's why all I've ever wanted is to make people feel good. I really enjoy making people feel comfortable, included, wanted, listened-to, and important. I guess I hope that I will leave a legacy of making people come together and just feel good. About themselves and about, well, anything! Everything! That's how I want to feel, anyways!

I have been going through a tough time lately evaluating my life and and trying to figure out what I want to do next, but my sister found a saying that has really helped me stay focused and happy for the good things in life...

"Don't wait for the storm to pass... learn to dance in the rain."

So, for now, I will try to learn to love this moment for what it is, and not wish for another to come along, because if I spend my life waiting for the next thing, I won't leave anything behind worth remembering.