I wish I had been dreaming...

By now many of you know what happened the night before last but, for those who don't know or have not heard the details, here's the story...

On Tuesday night I came back from hanging out with Jason at his place and got ready for bed. I slipped into some PJ's, watched a couple of episodes of "The Office" and drifted into sleep with absolutely no idea of the nightmare to come. I have no idea what caused me to suddenly wake up on Tuesday but as soon as I opened my eyes, there was a man crouched down next to me with his hands delicately pulling down my comforter. There is nothing more terrifying than this... nothing.

I cannot tell you what possessed me to do this but, instead of covering myself or trying to move away from him, I thrashed out of bed screaming in a deep, psychotic voice and ran toward him as he backed away in shock. In my loudest, most insane voice I kept screaming "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as he stumbled out my door and I chased him out of the front entrance of my apartment. I locked the door behind him, grabbed my phone and shut myself in my closet.

I called 911 and the moment someone answered, I started sobbing. I spent 12 minutes in my closet waiting for someone to come. TWELVE MINUTES! Anything could have happened but thank God it didn't. Because, somehow, both of my roommates slept through the experience, I spent those 12 minutes thinking the absolute worst... "Had he already been in their rooms?", "Where they alive?", "Where there other men in my apartment?"... I had no idea. When the police finally arrived, I struggled to put on a pair of pants and a coat with trembling hands. I pushed Josh into my bathroom and answered the door.

The police officer showed me where the fucker came in... he took the screen off our living room window and crawled in. He made a bee line straight to my room but, luckily, his plan failed. I have no idea whether or not things would have been different had I reacted any other way, but I think my reaction made the difference and probably saved me. Not to make this a PSA announcement but there are a few things I want to share from this experience:

1. I took self defense and truly believe it prepared somewhat me for this situation. I felt like I could stand up to this man even after being ripped out of sleep. I may not have had to lay a hand on him, but my sheer confindence in the confrontation probably made a difference.

2. LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS... we have no memory of unlocking ours but, it will forever be a nightly ritual for us to check.

3. If you live with all women- do NOT live on ground level... it's too easy for creeps to sneak in.

4. Do everything you can to FIGHT BACK... if I had frozen, I probably would be too messed up to share this story with you today.

All I can say is I am so thankful that this situation was not any worse that it was. I'm also thankful for my amazing and supportive friends and family who provided shoulders to lean on after such a traumatic experience.

And... because I would consider myself a complete failure if I could not eventually see any humor in this situation... I will admit that, even while wiping tears away from my face while talking to the cop, I thought of this...

Don't Ask, Don't Tell... or do...

I'm sure plenty of you are familiar with the fact that the long-understood and somewhat infamous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy has been repealed within the US military. Not only do I think this is an incredible success in the effort to create equality for all people but it's an incredible message to the world that the US is growing. We are moving forward and letting go of our military's discriminatory past.

Before this legislation was passed, there was, of course, a lot of backlash claiming that the repeal would create "widespread or long-lasting problems" in our military's performance... something proven to be quite the opposite in a recent poll taken by the Pentagon.

While listening to NPR this evening, I heard that over 115,000 military personnel completed a survey on how they felt about the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell" and the response was hardly what most people expected. Over 70% of all surveyed claimed that they did not think that allowing openly gay men and women into the military would cause any problems and would actually be quite positive. The remaining 30%, mostly in the branches of military that see the most combat, felt quite the opposite. I found some of the reasons these men and women felt this way, very disappointing.

One of the highlighted reasons that some people in the military did not like the repeal was that they felt allowing openly gay men into the military would create an overly effeminate reputation for the US armed forces. Many men claimed they feared that homosexual men they would potentially work with would be overly sexual or would come on to them in some form or fashion. I find this to be extremely disappointing. For men and women that feel they love their country enough to fight for it, I hate the thought that they would discriminate against someone who felt the say way they did. Anyone willing to give their life to protect someone else deserves respect... and with respect being an ever-present platform within the armed forces, I am shocked to hear that 30% of those people have so little.

As always, whenever their is a new, major step forward in equal rights, I always pity the first few leading the way. The first few openly gay men and women will have to face harsh, undeserved discrimination in an effort to create a stronger, more unified military that truly believes in respecting each man and woman fighting for their country... but these steps must be taken and I'm proud of them for it.

The Refresh Button...

How can I hit it? I have to go ahead and admit it... I have officially dated every single man in Atlanta and either, it's time to move... or time to hit the refresh button...

And, considering my lease isn't up until July... it leaves me with just one choice... refresh...

This is actually the first time in my life I have dated- regularly and multiple people... it is hilarious, fun, interesting and EXHAUSTING.

I have always been a one-man kind of woman and it's been a major adjustment to have met and gotten to know so many people in such a short period of time. One thing is for sure though, nothing helps one to get to know themselves better than meeting tons of different people on their own... I have no choice but to be myself and to see how I do with all different types of people... even the freakazoids...

And, let me tell ya, there have been some freakazoids!!!

But all of this man-meeting has pointed something out to me I have never known before... I am EXTREMELY closed-minded... and I had NO idea. Who knew so many things could be deal breakers?? Listening to SKA music, watching FOX news, saying "that's funny" after jokes, having strange voices and/or voice patterns and coming on too strong or not strong enough-- HOLY COW-- my list is endless!! And all of this begs the question: at what point does having standards and preferences give in to judgement??

As a woman who knows herself and what she wants out of life, it's hard for me to entertain the idea of being with a man who cannot meet me at this level... but it takes an excruciatingly long time to uncover whether or not someone truly knows themselves because knowing one's self is a shockingly easy thing to pretend... this has been proven to me quite a few times in the past year...

So... what's a girl to do? Flee the country? Join a convent? This is yet to be determined but, for now, all of these awesomely bad dating stories are great over a pitcher or beer with a beloved girlfriend and, well... that will have to do for now...

DC: Monumental fun...

Okokok... I am completely aware of the lameness of the title of this blog post so no need to remind me... it's tough coming up with these!

I just got back from a fantastic trip to one of my most favorite cities on Earth: Washington DC! This was one of those, "I gotta get the hell outta dodge" trips where I just went on my own to take a break from the status quo...

I don't know if you have ever traveled alone but it is one of the best feelings on Earth. You meet TONS of people, give yourself your FULL attention and, for once, do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it. It. is. awesome.

My first night I met up with friends and my friend's friends and went out to eat and got a few drinks... I absolutely love combining friends. I love that nearly every person I know can hang out with anyone and be just as awesome with them as they are with me... I guess I know how to pick 'em :). We just talked and hung out before my big, long day of hanging out with myself.

On Friday I hit up a few museums in the morning, met a friend for cupcakes and then decided to do something I had never done before and now totally love... I went to a movie alone. I have always been intimidated by going to movies alone and now I am completely addicted... it just makes so much sense! I sat down, spread out my belongings and took off my shoes... I was totally ready to enjoy myself when a dude in the row behind me asked, "What carrier do you use"... meaning my cell phone I was just holding... obviously, this guy did not give a flying you-know-what about my carrier but I humored him and let him know. Then he asked, "Are you here watching the movie alone?"... "Yes.." I said only facing him with a three-quarter turn... "Well, why don't you join me on my row?"... I told him I was actually kind of excited about going to a movie alone and I had never done it before but he was sweet and kept insisting so I moved... but not without my warning, "Now, I'll sit in your row but I have no idea who you are so I'm keeping two seats between us!"... he laughed, we watched the movie and, after it was over, I said bye as quickly as a could and ducked into the restroom to avoid the inevitable. Don't get me wrong, this guy was cute and sweet and funny but I just was not in the mood- this was my alone day! Well, to my surprise, he was waiting for me in the lobby. "I thought I might catch you out here", he said. "Can I buy you a drink".. "I told him I appreciated the sweet thought but I needed to meet up with my Uncle. He asked me if I was sure... and I was. So we walked outside only to find his car being towed! He yelled to me from 15 feet away, "Now you REALLY need to join me for a drink" and I just laughed and said, "I'm sorry!!!" and kept walking... I am completely aware that this would have been the cutest way on Earth to meet someone but I was really enjoying my date with myself at the moment and wanted to give ME my full attention ;).

I had a great time visiting my family and really getting to know my Uncle and his wife as people... you know when you're younger, you don't KNOW your older family members like you do once you can share a drink and share war stories. And I love them more every time we talk.

Saturday was epic. A day in Georgetown after a $1 bus ride. A live Jimmy Fallon stand up show with a fantastic friend and a night of debauchery with three hilarious women. We went to the W where we could see all of the monuments illuminated from the rooftop bar and enjoyed a ...ahem... $78 PITCHER OF SANGRIA!!! Excuse me but... how is that legal?? We talked with men in uniforms, practiced the running man, and loaded into a cab for dancing. As always, I fell down... it's just something I do these days, but it didn't stop me from dancing all night long with complete strangers that I claimed to be my best friends by the night's end.

After an early breakfast during one of the worst hangovers of this century, I headed home. I came home with that feeling that I found my next home. The next city to start my life in... I just wonder how long... or short... it will be until I get there... :)

War Dance

As my documentary phase wages on, I found myself watching "War Dance" for the second time last night...

This is a documentary about a group of children, most of them orphans, living in the war-torn region of Northern Uganda which has been ravaged by the LRA. This group of students is preparing for a major musical competition that incorporates both traditional and western style singing and dancing. While the preparation for the competition remains the in the forefront of the documentary's purpose, throughout the movie, they interview children on their experiences up until this moment.

I have always thought that there is nothing more inspiring that children who have managed to survive trough unthinkable things and still find a way to laugh and enjoy the beautiful and simple aspects of life. The children in this documentary have experienced more death and loss than I will probably ever face in all of the days of my life and still continue to grow emotionally, academically and spiritually. I was particularly impressed with the way one girl, Rose, articulated the way she felt when she was forced to identify her mother's decapitated head as it was removed from a bucket... She said that when she saw her mother, "She felt as if she were losing her mind" and, despite the profound misery of her experiences, it's absolutely breathtaking to see her illuminate when she sings. I think this brings to light the fact that without misery, there is no joy and, perhaps those who experience the most pain begin to have the most innate ability to feel immeasurable amounts of joy in daily life.

Traveling around the world, I have seen so many different levels of poverty and have always been impressed with the hope and immaculate senses of humor some of the people I've met in the most dire straights have expressed. This is something I've grown to love and admire about people as I've gotten older. It's so easy to get caught up in not getting exactly what you want when you want it and to not be appreciative of the little joys that present themselves all throughout the day.

I think I'm going to carry what I learned in the documentary with me for quite some time as I try not to get too caught up in worrying about finding my place in the world and try to change my focus to loving the place I've already found, whatever it may be.

One man wolf pack...

As much as I hate how it sounds when people declare this, I'm afraid I have to do it... I love my life right now. Like, really, really.

I am one of those people who always finds themselves taking care of someone and recently, I have decided to just take care of myself for a while... a one man wolf pack, if you will ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgTssbfJu3Y and it is working out brilliantly.

I love people and relationships and love but I feel you can enjoy all of those things so much more when you simply enjoy just being you and hanging out with yourself. These days I am doing just that: Meeting people, seeing and doing things completely on my own schedule.

I have been watching endless documentaries, listening to tons of new music, meeting new people, enjoying my incredible friends and family and spending a ton of time not being in a hurry to do anything. I think I am finally fulfilling one of my favorite quotes... " Freedom is not freedom from life, but rather freedom within it"... of course I want to travel and have my dream job, learn about everything and fall madly in love, but learning to love the moment you're in can almost be as savory and intense as having and enjoying any of those things.

I am annoyingly aware of my mortality which has given me the blessing/curse of constantly wanting to experience/see/do everything and ask for as much from my life as I can.... it has also dealt me the burden of constantly planning and waiting for the next thing and I am officially done living like that. I will travel every year, I always do. I will find my professional "calling" because I know myself well enough to know I will always be challenging myself to find it. I don't need to worry about it, I'm am just going to do it!

It's amazing how being genuinely happy attracts so many wonderful things into your life... new friends, experiences, opportunities... it's nice to just let things come to you instead of searching for it all the time. And during this time I have made two promises to myself:

As someone who will never stop looking for love (it's my favorite thing- what can I say?), I promise to only be with someone who will be my partner. Someone who has their own life, interests and passions so I can maintain autonomy and be with someone who is teaching me something new all the time. And I would love to do that for them. That's it- the only kind of relationship I want. If I find it- fantastic, if I don't- no worries.

I will stop making deadlines and rules for when and how I do things. If I want to pick up and leave the country for a year, I will do it and the great people in my life will stick around and the ones that are not as important will move on and that's just fine... I can't let anything hold me back... this is a very empowering feeling.

So, I hope my excitement about life and happiness has not left you nauseous and in case it has, I need to make this post worth-while to you. I will do this by leaving you with a list of documentaries you should be watching right now...

State of Mind
Very Young Girls
Religulous
Jesus Camp
Vice Guides to Liberia and North Korea
Food, Inc
Seoul Train
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of a Low Price
Deliver Us From Evil

Annnnnnnnnd scene!

Most people avoid falling out of planes...

But not me!

Today, July 11th, I jumped out of a plane!!!

I cannot tell you how exhilarating it was but I'll try my best...

I'll try to paint a picture for you. Two and a half hours outside of Atlanta in Rockmart, GA, there is a place called Skydive the Farm. My dad and I signed up to go sky diving on Father's Day and yesterday my friend Brianna joined in just in time to celebrate her birthday (today) doing the most exciting thing on Earth! I have to admit, I am both afraid of heights and flying so... this was a bit of a stretch but something has happened to me in the past year where I am hardly scared of anything anymore. It's a great, new development.

So we walked in the office, watched a video about the process and started to get strapped in. When we were finding out who our partners were going to be, you can imagine my reaction when a shirtless man with nipple piercings and a stomach tattoo beckoned me over in an ever-so-sexual way and told me I would be with him... I always seem to have amazing luck like this...

At first I was a little disappointed I would be falling through the sky with a man who said "Oh, Baby!" when I bent over but, hey, all I could say was, "If I make it out of this alive, I don't care what you say to me!".

After a few photo ops, we all piled into a bus headed for the airport. The best way I can describe what it felt like admist all of those divers is to tell you to imagine the movie Twister. You know all of those storm chasers who have tons of one-liners and call tornados things like, "the finger of God?", and listen to rock music on their way to chase a storm? It felt just like that. Lots of load "WOOOOOOOO-ing", tattoos, and story telling. It was amazing.

When we got to the airport and I first saw our tiny little plane, I was relived because I thought to myself... "I think it might be safer to jump out of that thing anyways!" The plane went higher and higher until we were nearly 15,000 feet off of the ground. All the way, Gerald played tricks on me like telling me he got the wrong size harness for me or that if I freaked out he would "just lose it"-- I told him he was messing with the wrong chick and started to attempt to "harness my chi"... ya know, connect with my center and shit? Yeah... at least I tried!

So finally it was my turn... Gerald and I started to walk towards the open door stuck together like a three-legged race on steroids and the last thing he said to me was..."just remember: if you feel in a lump in your throat, that just means you are having a good time... and if you feel a lump on your back- that just means I'm having a good time"- GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha! But I didn't care, I just saw miles and miles of green Earth below me and I was SO ready for the ride of a lifetime!

So Gerald said, "On three, tuck forward and we're going to do three flips out of the plane" and I said "OK!"... I mean, I'm already about to fall almost 15,000 feet... I'm not scared of doing a few flips! So we jumped! We were in a free fall for a complete minute and it felt amazing flying through the freezing air and controlling our movements just by moving our arms. When it came time to pull the parachute cord, he grabbed my arms and guided me to the rope controls for the parachute. We spun around side to side as we floated down and I was hysterically laughing the entire way (btw- hysterically laughing is my typical reaction to terror...).

When we landed, I couldn't believe it was over. This perverted man with embellished nipples was my hero and we just experienced the coolest thing on EARTH together... I will forever hold a little place in my heart for Gerald... even if he did take every opportunity to grope me while he was strapping me in...

But the best part about doing something like this is realizing at the end that, if you can handle something as terrifying as this, you can pretty much take on anything. Which is exactly what I'm looking to do: take on any and every opportunity to enhance my life whether it be conquering fears, taking on new challenges, or asking more of myself when it comes to my personal growth. I'm ready for it... bring it on, world!